I Am A Rock
by verdant
Summary: Songfic. Draco Malfoy can feel none of the feelings that gave him such warmth many Christmases ago, when he held in his arms a redheaded girl.


**I Am A Rock**

By verdant. 

_Don't talk of love,_

_But I've heard the words before;_

_It's sleeping in my memory._

_I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died._

_If I never loved I never would have cried._

_I am a rock,_

_I am an island._

I have my books 

_And my poetry to protect me;_

_I am shielded in my armor,_

_Hiding in my room, safe within my womb._

_I touch no one and no one touches me._

_I am a rock,_

_I am an island._

He remembered everything and nothing.

He remembered the exact shade of the sweater she was wearing that night, and the way the light had hit her brilliant red hair at exactly the right moment, and the smell of her perfume.

He remembered their exact conversations, and every nook and cranny of her apartment.

Everything, and nothing…

-----------------+

" Sorry I'm late, Ginny." He looked to see her stern face staring back at him, hands on hips in an eerie impression of her mother.

_ " Really sorry." He prompted, trying his best to look apologetic without seeming pathetic at the same time._

_ " You kept me waiting for three hours, Malfoy!" _

_ " And all for good reason, trust me!" He hastened to tell her. She glared at him. Then--_

_ " This better be good." She grumbled, before grabbing him by his scarf and dragging him into the warmth of her apartment, where it smelled of hot chocolate, cinnamon, and candy canes…_

_And soon, all thoughts about an 'explanation' was forgotten, and all he could think about was how soft her hair felt beneath his cold fingers._

_-------+_

_ " What do you think my mother would say if she saw me right now?" She asked, relaxing her head against his shoulder. He rolled his eyes._

_ " She'd beat some sense into you." She giggled, but struggled to keep a stern, shocked expression._

_ " Are you calling me insensible, to stay here with you?" She asked, brow raised. _

_ " Oh, yes." He smirked. " What kind of demented freak would not only willingly stay in the same room with me, but shove her tongue down my throat, threatening to castrate me if I didn't mirror the action?" _

_ " Me." She replied cheekily, before pushing him down onto the floor, and proceeding to ravish the man beneath her. _

_------+_

_ " I got you a Christmas present." She said softly, eyes shining expectantly. _

_ " Oh." He stared at the small box in silent surprise, an odd feeling settling into his stomach. _

_ " Well?" She looked at him. " Open it, silly!" _

_Brows knitted together in frustration, his hands reached for its shiny wrapping, carefully peeling away its surface to reveal what was underneath it. _

_ A heart-shaped locket._

_ " I was thinking—what do you get a heart-less bastard that's got everything?" She mused, grinning happily. " And then, I figured that he was missing one thing." _

_ " I figured I'd give you a heart." He was silent and solemn, and her eyes twinkled as she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her head against his chest. _

_ " I can hear your heart beating, now." She whispered._

_------+ _

_ " Merry Christmas, Draco." She said to him, and she was wrapped up tight in his arms as they shared a hot mug of steaming hot chocolate, sitting by the fireside as they listened to the sweet sound of carolers outside…_

_And it was a merry Christmas, indeed._

_And though it was snowing heavily outside—_

_He had never felt so warm in his life._

_------+_

_ " What would my mother say if she saw me right now?" Only this time, she wasn't smiling. She was biting her lip, trying hard not to cry, although her eyes were glazed over already, and her hands trembling hard. _

_He hadn't thought he could feel everything at once; not like this. Anger surged through him like hot, burning fire, and her tears slowly running down her cheeks—those tears turned into his own invisible ones, desperately trying to douse the fire out…_

_ In the end, the fire went out, and the wind burst in somehow, even through the tightly closed windows, turning the tears to ice that refused to be shattered._

_ " She would beat some sense into you." He said coldly. And the way she looked at him told him that she knew he was right. _

_ " You know, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing here, Draco!" Her shouts used to be louder. Now they just seemed weak and too tired to string two syllables together._

_ " Then leave." _

_The silence within their merry house had never been louder. _

_ " Tell me again." She said softly, grasping the table now. Her knuckles were turning white. _

_ " Leave." He repeated, and he didn't quite know what he was saying, because he didn't mean for her to really leave. No, no, stop it. " Leave, so you don't have to imagine for another second what your mother would have to say about horrible me, or how horrible the look on your father's face would be, or what your brothers would do to me if they ever knew." _

_Sobs wreaked her tiny little body, and he ached to go to her and hug her and comfort her, save for the little barrier arrogance and pride had built. _

_And he thought she wouldn't really leave. That it would just end in more tears, mortal tears that could quickly be wiped away with the sleeve of his expensive shirt._

_But the door slammed, bringing in colder air, and it left him_

_Very much alone._

_-----------+_

_ " It was just a silly dream, in the end, Draco." Her voice sounded forced, and monotone. She was preaching to him about something even she didn't believe. _

_ " Oh?" _

_ " We were living a fairy tale, Draco." She looked so helpless. " Not in this real world." _

_ " I see." _

_ " I'm going back to my family. It's what I really need. You go live your life, Draco, and don't let me tie you up anymore." _

_She was turning to leave, and though he had expected some look of utter regret upon her face, it was surprisingly blank._

_Blank and pale. _

_But determined. _

_ " Here." A flash of gold, and she held in her hands the locket she had given to him for Christmas. She shook her head, and for a moment, her brown eyes sparkled again, with sadness._

_ " No. You keep your gift." _

_He wanted to scream at her. No, he didn't want to keep her gift, he didn't ever want to see it again. _

_It dropped to the floor, looking small and miniscule._

_She turned and really left this time, never looking back. _

_Everything seemed to gray and dusty in this house._

_He bent down to pick up the locket; the chain had broken. _

_A bitter cold washed over him, biting at his very being._

_He cracked a wry smile._

_For something that had merely been an illusion fairy tale, it sure hurt a lot. _

_It hurt like it only could in the real world._

Had.

Had hurt.

Time passed as fast as that winter had, and now, time was no matter to him anymore.

She had perhaps insinuated that maybe they would see each other again, but never.

He had distantly heard that she was somewhere in a warm, snug house with an equally warm husband with loads of bubbly children and lots of Christmas presents sitting under the tree. 

If he were able to feel anything, he would have felt nostalgic at the image that floated into his mind.

He would have remembered their own Christmas, and how beautiful things had been. 

But now, the only things he could remember were…things.

Feelings faded away with the dim sun, only they didn't return.

They didn't even linger anymore, keeping him warm from time to time when he felt coldest.

He could only remember the exact price of the scarf he had gotten her, and the weight of the gold locket in his palm, and only how tall the Christmas tree had been, and how long it had taken them to finish licking their candy canes. 

He felt like a stranger to the only thread of memory that insisted that he had once known what if felt to kiss her, what if felt like to talk quietly into each other's ears until sleep claimed them, what it was like to want a being so much that everything else paled dully in comparison…

Now it was deemed meaningless.

Just a _fairy tale_ he whispered to the empty air.

_And a rock feels no pain;_

_And an island never cries._

**end**


End file.
